CENSORSHIP??????

Some day when I am past grieving for Chad every minute of every day
Some day when I no longer sit here crying my eyes out because it hurts so bad he is no longer here
Some day when I can flip on this page and not remember how he used to laugh at Doug's foolishness and ask if Doug mentioned him
Some day when I can remember how he would sit here and hold my hand while I prayed for you to come through your surgery and while I made phone call after phone call after phone call
Some day when I can stand to think how I would be reading this blog and he would ask who this person was and who said what and how cool he thought it was for us to do this
Some day when I don't have to pore over police reports and autopsy reports and death certificates and call coroners to get them to answer questions that won't ever bring him back but I have to know anyway
Some day when I can deal with the fact that while I was staring at my phone around 5:30 am that morning and wondering why he hadn't called is right around the time he died and wondering why I didn't call him, why I just didn't call him
Some day when I can accept the fact that the choice he made that night killed him and if I had made a different choice that night I could have saved him
Some day when I can think of how I waited a lifetime to feel that kind of love, to know that kind of love and to have it gone in an instant because of stubbornness and stupidity
Some day when I can look at the one picture I have of Chad and me and not wish I had hundreds more
Some day when my heart is not broken and when every single part of my body hurts like hell because I miss him so much and I can't remember what it was like before him
Some day when I realize being the daughter and sister of alcoholics did not make me tougher or wiser, just more accepting

When that day gets here I'll be glad to explain the difference between censorship and common decency, BUT I'M A LITTLE BUSY RIGHT NOW. If having a biracial president is the WORST thing you can imagine and and if it BOTHERS you that our country celebrates a day in remembrance of a man who only asked for a couple of non-important things like peace and equality but whose skin was darker than yours, well, you are a lucky, lucky person.

Because I can tell you about things a lot WORSE and they BOTHER me every day and every night.

Do not fuck with me. I am standing on the edge of a cliff and all I've got behind me is disappointment and heartache and all I see before me is nothing. I am beyond tired, beyond worrying, beyond caring about stupid stuff, beyond trying to take care of people and things.

None of you need me to run this blog. None of you need me to even contribute to this blog right now.

But I need you. I need to come here and see pictures of GOOD things, FUNNY things, to read posts and comments from my family about GOOD and FUN things. How hard can that be?

Now, get out, get walking, strengthen your heart and your legs (all of you), take some pictures and post them on here. Talk about reunions this summer, play your quizzes and games, do something.

This moderator is on break.