DEAR AUNT MOM,

WELL IT WON'T BE LONG TILL WE COME DOWN TO SEE YOU. I CAN HARDLY WAIT. UNCLE DAD HAS BEEN MAD AT ME FOR HANGING AROUND WITH THEM NEGRA'S THAT MOVED IN. HE SAID IF YOU HANG AROUND WITH THEM YOU WILL START ACTIN JUST LIKE THEM. I SAID NIGGA PLEEZ, WHATS UP WIF DAT SHIT, DAWG AND HE THREW A WHOLE JUG OF PINE WINE RIGHT AT ME. I THINK UNCLE DAD IS WRONG ABOUT THEM SHININ SHOES CAUSE WHEN I WAS AT THEIR HOUSE I NOTICED THEIR SHOES WERE OLD AND NONE OF THEM LOOKED LIKE THEY HAD EVER BEEN SHINED(EXCEPT THEIR DAD'S WORK BOOTS, THEY WAS SO SHINY IT LOOKED LIKE THEY HAD NEVER BEEN WORN). ALSO UNCLE DAD SAYS WE DON'T HAVE TO PAY RENT ANY MORE BECAUSE THE RENT MAN DOESN'T COME BY ANY MORE. THE LAST TIME HE WAS HERE HE WAS REAL MEAN TO UNCLE DAD AND UNCLE DAD WAS JUST AS NICE AS EVER TO HIM, HE EVEN TOLD HIN HE HAD A REAL PURTY MOUTH BUT THE RENT MAN LEFT AND HE AIN'T NEVER COME BACK SO UNCLE DAD SAYS HE RECKONS WE OWN THIS LITTLE PIECE OF DIRT NOW. UNCLE DAD IS WANTING ME TO TAKE A CLASS AT THE COLLEGE TO TEACH ME HOW TO BAIT FISH HOOKS. HE SAID IF I DO GOOD AT IT I CAN GET A DEGREE AND THEN I WILL BE A MASTER BAITER. HE SHORE LAUGHS A LOT WHEN HE TELLS ME THAT, I AM SURE HE WOULD BE REAL PROUD, BUT I DON'T REALLY LIKE CLASSES. WELL, GOT TO GO FOR NOW, SEE YOU SOON.


LOVE, YOUR SON,
JOE EARL CLAMPIT

Hillbilly Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 lb. possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed onblocks in your front yard? A) 66 Ford Fairlane, B) 69 Chevrolet Chevelle,C) 64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre.The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Pabst Blue Ribbons will be consumed in cutting the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented its charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24 inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2 ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steepgrade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardus Area.The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

DEAR AUNT MOM,
HOW ARE YOU? I AM FINE. ME AND UNCLE DAD SURE DO MISS YOU. WE ARE BOTH VERY EXCITED THAT WE ARE COMING DOWN TO THE WOMEN'S FARM TO VISIT YOU FOR CHRISTMAS. YOU HAVE BEEN THERE SO LONG UNCLE DAD SAYS YOU MUST BE A REAL GOOD FARMER BY NOW. HE CAN HARDLY WAIT TO SEE YOU. HE HAS ALREADY WASHED HIS FAVORITE YELLOW SHIRT (HE SAID IT USED TO BE HIS FAVORITE WHITE SHIRT) AND IT HAS BEEN HUNG OUT TO DRY FOR 3 DAYS. UNCLE DAD BORRYED A TRANSMISSION FOR HIS TRUCK LAST NIGHT AND HE SAYS WE SHOULD MAKE IT WITH NO PROBLEMS. GRANDMA WILLY LENT US THIRTY DOLLERS FOR GAS AND SHE EVEN SAID WE DON'T HAVE TO PAY IT BACK IF WE DON'T COME BACK. THINGS HAVE BEEN ABOUT THE SAME HERE AT HOME. IT RAINED REAL HARD LAST WEEK AND THE TRAILER LEAKED REAL BAD BUT UNCLE DAD SAID IT WAS OKAY BECAUSE IT ONLY LEAKS IN THE BATHROOM. ONE OF THOSE OLD RIA SISTERS THAT LIVE DOWN THE ROAD(I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GONNAH OR DIA, THEY LOOK JUST ALIKE TO ME) IS REAL MAD AT UNCLE DAD. SHE THINKS HE STOLE HER BIG OLD CAT ONE NIGHT BUT I KNOW HE DIDN'T BECAUSE WHEN I GOT UP THAT NEXT MORNING HE HAD A BIG CHICKEN DINNER COOKED FOR US AND I JUST KNOW HE WAS TOO BUSY COOKIN THAT CHICKEN AND HE DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO GO STEAL HER OLD CAT. THAT MAN FROM THE SCHOOLHOUSE CAME BY AGAIN TO SEE WHY I DON'T GO TO THE SCHOOL BUT UNCLE DAD TOLD HIM I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO ON ACCOUNT OF I WAS TOO OLD AND I ONLY SEEM YOUNGER BECAUSE I AM PART RETARDED. BUT HE DIDN'T SAY WHAT PART. UNCLE DAD HAS ALSO MADE SOME OF HIS HOMEMADE PINE WINE TO BRING WITH US AND HE GOT A PEE JUG SO HE SAYS WE DON'T HAVE TO STOP ON THE WAY AND WE CAN GET THERE FASTER. ALSO, A NEGRA FAMILY MOVED IN DOWN THE ROAD IN THAT OLD SHACK BY THE RIVER. UNCLE DAD SAYS WE MIGHT STOP AND VISIT THEM ONE NIGHT AND SEE IF THEY WANT TO SHINE OUR SHOES(ALTHOUGH I PROBABLY WON'T GO SINCE I QUIT WEARIN MY SHOES BECAUSE THEY HURT MY TOE). WE WENT AND CASHED IN SIX BAGS OF CANS TODAY AND UNCLE DAD SAID WE GOT ENOUGH MONEY THAT HE CAN FILL ONE BAG UP AGAIN TONITE. HE IS ALWAYS THINKIN OF HOW TO MAKE MONEY. WELL, I GUESS THATS ENOUGH FOR NOW, SINCE WE WILL BE SEEING YOU SOON.

LOVE, YOU SON
JOE EARL CLAMPIT

HO HO HO!

and no,i dont mean your sisters.